Bus Stop Baby-Memoirs of an Earthling

Excerpt of the autobiography by Kayla Ludwig

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the  source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our  purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” - Brené Brown

My first baby picture shows me in hospital clothes, wearing a nameplate. I was brought into this world under the name Om—the primordial sound from which the universe was created. In Thai culture, many parents give their babies a nickname or “chue len,” meaning “play name,” which is separate from the legal name. This tradition stems from an old belief that evil spirits could harm a baby if they knew the child's real name.

When I arrived in Colorado to be with my new family. I had complete birth records. I knew my exact birth time—useful for astrology—and my birth certificate included my biological parents' names. However, when searching for them later through social media with a Thai friend, I learned that their names were very common, akin to "John Smith." Additionally, the certificate lacked the Thai equivalent of an SSN, making the search nearly impossible. Fast forward to age 27...

At 27, my husband and I traveled to Thailand and Cambodia with family. During our trip to Thailand, we visited the orphanage where I had lived for the first 1-2 years of my life. We brought toys and diapers for the children. The home was clean and well-run, and the kids appeared happy and engaged with us as we toured the home. I had brought a few photos of me as a baby, taken when my adoptive parents first came to meet me. To my amazement, the owners of the orphanage revealed that three of the women in those photos were still working there! I could hardly believe it—it had been almost 30 years! Determined to connect with them, my husband and I returned for three consecutive days to visit the caregivers during their shifts. They were incredibly sweet and caring individuals. Although the language barrier was challenging, Google Translate helped bridge the gap. Meeting them was the most incredible full-circle experience of my life, and I am deeply grateful for it.

On the final day, the head of the orphanage found the arrival document from 1991, a large book filled with photos and handwritten documentation about all the children who arrived that year.

For 27 years, I had believed that my biological parents had either dropped me off at the orphanage or that a hospital clerk had done so. The truth, revealed in the arrival document, was startling: I had been abandoned at a bus stop. The weight of this revelation hit me like a tidal wave. I felt an intense emotional release, something deep within came bursting out. A guttural cry that startled me, my husband, and the staff.

This new piece of the puzzle changed everything. Fresh from the hospital, in hospital clothes, I had been left alone at a bus stop. Anger, sadness, resentment, and worry overwhelmed me. Thoughts raced through my mind: “What the hell? They just left me to die? Who were these people? What happened to them?” I visualized baby me, alone on the streets of Bangkok, crying out for my parents who were nowhere to be found. It was a heart-wrenching moment.

Despite the intensity of this life-altering discovery, I refused to let it consume me for too long. I have an incredible family to be thankful for. A loving Mom, Dad, and two amazing sisters. I have a wonderful husband who has been there every step of the way during this evolution. I have a family and community that inspires me to be better and who supports me through all the ups and downs. The thought of their warmth and unconditional love encouraged my reflection. After processing this information I chose gratitude. This revelation didn't erase my hopes or stories of wishing my biological parents were safe. Instead, I allowed my anger and tears to pass.

This newfound understanding deepened my gratitude for life. With over 9 billion people on this planet, each living a unique life, there are countless ways to approach each day and each moment. At the end of the day, you're left with yourself, your thoughts, and your peace. Why feed into turmoil? You have the power to change your mindset and foster growth with time and practice.

This pivotal moment in my life established a deeper connection to myself and my passion for helping others. Love is at the core of it all—someone to believe in you, encourage you and stand by your side. This is the promise and commitment that I give to my family, friends, and community.